Saturday morning Sir picked me up and we headed out to the GRUE. On the way, we stopped and grabbed a Starbucks coffee. I know I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating…every time I get to spend one on one time with either Sir or Butterfly, I am always aware of, not just how special our relationships are and how precious that time is, but how amazing our entire dynamic is as a whole. This time was no exception. Butterfly had a prior engagement she was attending, so we were going to the GRUE on our own.
Speaking of Butterfly, I am going to go a little off track here, so bear with me. I always give her my thank you’s to her directly, not here (and I did on Sunday), but this time I have to publicly acknowledge the amazing woman she is in my writing, as well, because it was on my mind that day. It is a rare thing for me to have a true friendship with another female, and even though I tell her all the time, I am so incredibly blessed to have her in my life. She is an incredible person, much stronger and more beautiful than she may sometimes think she is, and every bit an inspiration to me, whether she knows it or not (but I hope she does). There was a very personal issue, that I won’t go into here, that I didn’t want to talk about before this weekend happened…but a true friend always knows when something is wrong. They can look into your eyes and see your soul is wounded, even when you are trying your best to present an unbroken image of yourself to the world. They always know. She had listened to me, without judgment, without fear, without insecurity. With love and kindness and friendship, she helped me to understand what I was feeling and why, and what I needed to do about it. She offered her opinion and her guidance, and did so with such grace and respect for all the parties involved, that I was blown away by it. But I digress…
Okay, now where I was I? Oh yes, we stopped and got Starbucks on our way there. It was fun, and as we chatted on the way out, I realized how much I really had been looking forward to the day. There wasn’t going to be any set agenda until we all got there and talked over who would like to teach what subject, so the day ahead was going to be somewhat of a surprise in itself. The events to unfold as they came about. The very prospect of the format-that-wasn’t was exciting!
Once Sir and I got there, we settled in to listen to the introduction and afterwards talked over which ‘classes’ we’d like to attend. We went to a couple before lunchtime. I attended a class for submissives that was incredibly interesting, and we both made new some connections and new friends. Just before lunch was served, Sir left to go to the hotel we’d be staying in to check in, and I made Him a plate and set it aside to ensure that He’d get lunch when He returned. Later on, we attended a class on suspension, taught by some incredibly talented and knowledgable people. Both of us were riveted, and excited to try it out for the first time. Unfortunately, we ran out of time, but one of the ladies said that she would help us do our first suspension later in the evening. We went outside after that, talked with some of the other people, Sir bought some rope from the man giving the class (not just ANY rope, but rope dyed my favorite color), and we left to go to the hotel room for a while.
When we got to the hotel, Sir went outside for a bit to talk to Butterfly while I played with the pretty new rope. When He came back, I asked how she was doing, hugged Him, and following a brief conversation, came the order “Kneel.” I knelt before Him as He unzipped and lowered His shorts to the ground, then put a hand on my head, guiding my mouth to His cock. It didn’t take but a few minutes for the next order. “Stand up.” I rose, and He grabbed what clothing I had on, helping me remove it, then gave the order again, “Kneel.”
As He pulled my head further onto Him, harder and harder, until I was choking on it, literally praying that the very next gag reflex wouldn’t prove too much for my stomach, for a second I remembered how I felt the first time He had done it. I had never experienced anything like that before, ever.
The first time, I had hated it because I had felt that by His not letting me use my ‘talents’ on Him, the way I ‘knew’ I could, that I wasn’t being given the opportunity to please Him, to give Him my best, or worse, that I wasn’t doing it good enough, and to be truthful, it had simply hurt my ego. Notice all the “I”‘s in that sentence?
My thinking on it back then was entirely wrong. I had had to learn to understand that there was no place for my ego here. Part of that understanding came through a couple lessons earlier on. One, that I am not to try and determine what I think might please Him through a filter based on my own thoughts or desires. Two, by thinking I know what will please Him better than He does, it’s essentially telling Him He is wrong for wanting what He wants. Take that a step further and the entire dynamic becomes twisted and reversed, with the sub trying to ‘take charge’. Not submissive at all.
Mind you, that was a while back, this was stuff I’d thought about and figured out some time ago, it wasn’t something new I had started working out. I won’t say that, even when I had finally understood, the revelation had caused an immediate love for the whole choking and gagging bit, but it had made me see it in a whole lot new light.
That however He chooses to use me is the way that pleases Him best, and it may or may not have anything to do with whether it’s something I may or may not be ‘good at’ or whether or not it’s just His way of demonstrating His control, or even whether it’s just a complete whim of His at the moment with no meaning whatsoever, but either way, submitting to His wishes IS what pleases Him. Obviously I can’t speak for Him as to why He chooses to do this in this particular way, but I do know that it has had the effect of breaking down my pride of such things and fostering in me some sense of humility that I never had before Him.
I know it may seem that ALL that is a lot to be thinking about while sucking your Sir’s cock (which I absolutely love to do, by the way) but believe me, it was just a very, very brief moment that the remembering of the thoughts entered my mind. It only SEEMS like a lot because I had to explain the back story of the understanding part of it here, since I hadn’t written about it before.
A while later we returned to GRUE, and I got to experience my first ever suspension. It was incredible, to say the least, even though parts of it were painful, and there was a point that I finally had to ask to be taken down because I was experiencing a light-headedness that threatened to make me pass out. I felt like I’d been up a few mere moments and was a bit concerned that it’d been disappointing, but everyone said I’d done so well and been up quite a while, especially good for someone who was doing it for the first time. The most important thing, though, was Sir was proud of me, and we were happy that we’d had the chance to experience it together.
We went outside and chatted with the others for a while, I got to experience fire poi up close and personal, and then Sir decided that we were going to find a place to play. We went out to His truck and brought in all the gear, looked around for a place, got permission to do a few things, and then ended up in the ‘medical room’. He had found a spanking bench in one of the rooms and with the help of another man at the event, carried it in there and sat it a little ways from the exam table. The spanking bench was definitely interesting, and I ended up anal hooked and trussed up by my hair, while Sir teased me and took some definitely interesting pictures.
After that, He moved me. To note, while neither of us are into the ‘medical play’ aspect of kink, trust me, I will never look at an exam table the same way again. Sir utilized one of His favorite ties and roped me to the table, feet together, legs spread and wide apart, arms tied overhead, and proceeded to alternate between His fuck-saw and my vibrator.
At first I was slightly self-conscious, not a lot, but just a bit… Sometimes it’s a little hard to let go and orgasm when you know you’re being watched, but it didn’t take too terribly long for my body to completely override my brain. There is a point where you just can not hold back even if you wanted to, when the sensation is all that you know, all that is, and it’s like floating in space, rocketed on wave after wave, tumbling end over end, weightless. That is what this was like. I lost count of the orgasms, lost track of time, don’t know how many times He switched between one implement and the other, and according to Him I even completely spaced out at one point. Two things I do remember clearly, though I don’t remember which came first. He either slapped me and kissed me, or kissed me and then slapped me, but I remember the jolt, the explosion in my body, and the kiss. Most of all, I remember that kiss. It brought me back from wherever I was floating and rooted me to the spot, grounded me to Him, centered me, and in that blissful orgasmic moment, He was in the explosion WITH me, not outside of me. I can’t think of any other way to explain it.
When it was over, I felt high, unsteady on my feet, almost incoherent. Like a piece of fine crystal dipped in chocolate, fragile to the touch, but sweet and sensuous. All I wanted to do was cuddle up under a blanket with Him, put my head on His shoulder and fall into a blissful sleep. Getting everything picked up and moving outside, all of that is a kind of blur. I remember that He took care of everything while I was recovering, that a lady had come in to talk to us, and that she helped me down the stairs while Sir carried our gear out of the room. I remember sitting on the porch in the dark, listening to others talk as I sat with Him and He had His cigar. And even later that night, or actually early morning, we ended up back at the hotel, and as we laid down to sleep, we found our second wind. I rode him until we both decided, exhausted, to rest.
It wasn’t until the next morning, stretching out beside each other, lazily enjoying a slow waking and talking over the previous day’s events, that He mentioned how often I had referred to Him as Sir, without being prompted, and wondered if being around others who shared the dynamic had helped me become more comfortable with it. It definitely had. It wasn’t that I had had a hard time with naming Him that, on the contrary, it was what I always called Him in my mind, in my writing, when I spoke to others, and had done all of that for quite awhile, but the out loud part directly to Him had still taken some getting used to. It loved that it came so much easier now and that made me smile all the more.